


we are all dumbasses: the memo series

by dezagirl



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Homestuck - Freeform, Karkat - Freeform, M/M, Pale-Red Vacillation, dave - Freeform, davekat - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-03-29 16:54:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3903808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dezagirl/pseuds/dezagirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TT: Yeah, everyone knows I'm gay. I made out with Jake's head in front of a volcano.<br/>TG: what</p><p>a saga about two brothers who are really, really stupid, and the troll who tries to help them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

  
  


turntechGodhead [TG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board asshole factory squabbleyard 2 where i guess my brother and i hash out our feelings once he decides to join the memo hell yes im gonna call you my brother dirk it seems pretty fucking accurate seeing as were ascribing familial terms to everyone it starts out romy and ends up with me screaming daddy at kanaya

TG: ok look im gonna lure you out with the promise of dishing my and my troll companions lewdest details to you if you come onto this memo because im pretty sure despite your sick irony and brick wall personality you actually sort of care about other peoples relationships in at least a morbid interest way ala rose 

TG: and much like rose youre probably weirdly into the idea of trolls having tentacles for dicks 

TG: well guess what you dont get to find out unless you climb out of your robot porn cave toss aside your lovejuice dripping rocky and bullwinker finger puppets and jump into this memo like a stupid five year old jumping into a pool without floaties 

TG: much like moxy and mines previous discussion romy if you will this is a sizzling pan of no bullshit except we have exceeded the no bullshit restrictions and went straight into real as fuck territory this aint a sizzling pain of no bullshit actually this is a certified conference room of fuck off and come back when youre ready for some real talk 

timaeusTestified [TT] JUST NOW responded to memo. 

TT: You know, if you would stop your self important rambling for five seconds, you would realize I was already in the memo. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] JUST NOW responded to memo. 

CG: AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS HOW FUCKING WEIRD THIS IS. 

TG: you know you love it baby 

CG: YEAH, NO, I ACTUALLY DON'T. YOU CALLING ME YOUR CULTURAL EQUIVALENT TO 'WRIGGLER' ISN'T ATTRACTIVE TO ME AT ALL. THIS SHITSTAIN OF A MEMO- AND, OH, I'VE SEEN PLENTY OF SHITSTAINS OF MEMOS, MANY BY MYSELF- DOESN'T APPEAL TO ME EITHER. IT'S CRIPPLINGLY EMBARRASSING AND I HOPE YOU FEEL SHAME FOR YOUR PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE SELF. 

TT: Holy shit, who is this guy? 

TG: unfortunately you havent participated enough in this memo to find out who this guy is or if he has a tentacle dick or not 

TG: and cmon dont even act like you dont know rose has blabbed to the entire fucking meteor and postulated her theories about what our romantic relationship or lack thereof means for like the human and troll species 

CG: STOP TALKING ABOUT THE STATE OF MY GENITALIA LIKE IT'S PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE YOU ASSHOLE!!! 

TT: Please don't tell me that's what this is actually about. 

TG: there isnt anything incestuous about this god for fucking bid i dont want to rub my weiner on the asshole whos parallel self made my life a living hell for thirteen years 

TG: yeah one sentence i never thought id ever type thanks a whole lot karkat youre the best quadrantmate ever 

CG: REALLY? 

TT: As much as I enjoy watching your domestic squabbles in realtime (I really don't) I have to go back to my fingerpuppets. It's Rocky and Bullwinkle, by the way, not fucking 'Bullwinker'. 

TG: i dont give two fucks if its rockpebble or bullpenis or whatever my point is this whole memo is about your latent homosexual tendencies or some shit which i definitely think is a thing 

TG: your masculine reign is over now only to be replaced with the stark reality of your actual homosexuality which is probably a verifiable fact which we dont gotta call it that but just saying you gotta smell the gay daisies and realize that parallel you beating the shit out of me was fucked up and your hypermasculinity was fake as shit 

TG: this is going to be a brotalk of utter realness and being yourselfitude and accepting your emotions or whatever 

TT: ...Right. 

TG: right 

CG: ARE YOU ACTUALLY DOING THIS. 

TG: yeah 

TT: Yeah, everyone knows I'm gay. I made out with Jake's head in front of a volcano. 

TG: what 

TT: Did you seriously not know this? Did you make an entire memo dedicated to trying to make me admit to being gay without doing your research and realizing I had already stated it, quite plainly, to basically everyone, and that everyone knew? 

TG: well 

TG: i mean 

TG: i told rose my idea and she didnt say anything 

TG: i mean my idea to confront you with how you like penis which in retrospect was actually a very bad idea though i guess sort of comedic at the same time like a bad sitcom i dunno 

TT: She was either fucking with you or thought you talking to me would serve a purpose anyways. Though she also knows I'm pretty gay. 

TG: well shit there goes like 90% of my conversations topics and the other 10% were sort of related anyways since the entire memo was going to be a be yourself speech 

TG: youre still a brick wall emotionally though so i mean i can start chipping at that with my prison shank of persistence 

TG: thats what family does dirk they make you want to punch holes in things and i dont know be a better person 

TT: Roxy's always done the latter for me, if we're even sort of related? It's complicated. 

TG: yeah shes mom and youre dad 

CG: YEAH THIS JUST WENT FROM SORT OF UNCOMFORTABLE TO CRITICALLY PAINFUL TO READ. DAVE, STOP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF. GO MEET ME IN THE PLUSH PILE. 

TG: right 

TT: Did he actually just leave? His handle's showing as idle. 

CG: YES. WHETHER OR NOT HE ACTS LIKE IT HE IS SELF AWARE AND KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE'S SAYING. HE JUST TRIES TO PERSEVERE THROUGH THE AWKWARDNESS SO THAT HE CAN ACTUALLY CONVEY WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY. HE TRIES TO DO THAT MORE INSTEAD OF WHAT HE USED TO DO, WHICH WAS VAGUELY RAMBLE ABOUT OFFTOPIC THINGS UNTIL THE PERSON HE WAS TALKING WITH FORGOT ABOUT WHAT HE WANTED THEM TO FORGET ABOUT. 

TT: That's an awful lot of words and I'm really out of fucks to give. I was actually busy doing useful shit, you know. 

CG: LIKE BEING A STANDOFFISH DICK WITH A HUGE EGO? 

CG: OR, THE ALTERNATIVE, A STANDOFFISH DICK WITH SELF ESTEEM ISSUES. 

CG: LOOK, I'M REALLY ACTUALLY TIRED, FOR ONCE. LATELY I'VE BEEN ABLE TO ACTUALLY SLEEP WHICH IS A SHOCKING NOTION TO MYSELF AND TO OTHERS. I'M GOING TO GO LIE DOWN IN A SOFT PILE AND TAKE A NAP. AFTER THAT WHY DON'T WE RECONVENE. 

TT: If you really want? It seems sort of pointless and I'm not exactly sure what either of you are trying to get at but whatever. 

CG: WHATEVER. LEAVE THE MEMO OPEN, I'LL BE BACK IN TEN, OR SOMETHING WEIRD LIKE THAT. TIME PLAYERS. 

TT: Whatever you say, dude. \-----


	2. Chapter 2

TG: ok alright i think we've all recovered from the embarrasstrophe that happened a while ago like a few vague hours i mean wow how embarrassing was that i think im speaking for all of us when i say 

TG: wow 

TG: nearly as embarrassing as peeing your communion dress while youre in the holy baptismal and the congregation slowly realizes yeah that aint some aj this girl just peed herself in the baptism water what the fuck is this 

TT: If I'm permitted to add to the analogy, you're slowly edging towards the pee water yourself, dude. Maybe you should take a deep breath and calm down. 

TG: yeah 

TG: im just so excited you know to like talk to you 

TG: yeah 

CG: ANXIOUS SEEMS LIKE IT WOULD BE MORE APPROPRIATE. 

TG: nobody asked you for your opinion karkat vant-ass so how about you take a page from your own book of clever insults and 

TG: shut up 

TG: alright so lets start this conversation again with maybe a smidgen less sexuality discussion we can just get to know each other or something like 

TT: My interests include plush puppet ass, robotics, and anime. 

TG: why are you so terrible 

TG: karkat is this what you felt like when you met kankri just vague disappointment and a taste in your mouth like you swallowed a whole jug of unsweetened cranberry juice 

CG: WOW. GOOD JOB. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I FELT IN THAT MOMENT. I FELT THOSE EXACT, SPECIFIC, *FUCKING MORONIC* FEELINGS THAT YOU JUST CONVEYED. 

CG: SINCE WHEN DID UNSWEETENED CRANBERRY JUICE BECOME AN EMOTION YOU ASSCLOWN. 

CG: ALSO, NO. LET'S NOT COMPARE HOW SHITTY OUR SORT OF NOT QUITE FAMILIAL-SLURRY RELATIVES-ANCESTORS ARE. IT'S A BAD IDEA. IN A 'I KNOW THE MOST SHITTY PEOPLE CONTEST', WE ALL LOSE. THERE'S NO WINNING THERE. 

CG: HENCE WHY I DON'T EVER TALK TO VRISKA OUTSIDE OF HER STUPID FUCKING STRATEGY MEETINGS, OR GENERAL BLATHERINGS THAT WE'RE ALL SUBJECTED TO. HANGING UP A 'I MANAGED TO BE AROUND VRISKA SERKET FOR THREE HUMAN HOURS' AWARD OVER MY PLUSH PILE IS NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING FOR ME BUT RUIN MY CONCILIATORY MOOD, IF I HAVE ONE IN THAT INSTANT, AND ALSO REMIND ME OF HOW MUCH I HATE MY PRESENT LIFE. 

TG: aw shes not that bad 

TT: Vriska? Is that the spiderbitch? 

TG: she prefers just vriska 

TG: karkat stop letting your blatant weird troll sex feelings for everyone get in the way of our family reunion by the way 

TG: this aint west virginia those feelings dont belong at a reunion alright 

CG: CAN YOU STOP FUCKING MAKING REFERENCES TO YOUR DEAD HUMAN TERRITORIES??? HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO *KEEP UP* WITH THESE *SICK REFERENCES*? DO YOU WANT ME TO HANG A MAP OF EARTH ABOVE THE AFOREMENTIONED PLUSH PILE AND FAMILIARIZE MYSELF WITH EVERY SINGLE NOOK OF CULTURE THAT EXISTED IN YOUR...SHIT. 

CG: WHAT WAS IT? WHERE DID YOU LIVE. YOU HAD MOOBEASTS AROUND THE AREA OR SOMETHING. 

TT: Texas. We lived in Texas. 

TG: karkat i bet if you asked a million dead earthlings to describe texas not a single one would say 'it had moobeasts around the area' 

CG: NO, WAIT, STOP. WE'RE LOSING THE THREAD OF CONVERSATION BECAUSE WE'RE ARGUING ABOUT SHIT THAT DOESN'T MATTER. 

TG: that is literally every conversation weve ever had 

CG: YOU BOTH LIVED IN TEXAS, RIGHT? 

TT: Well, technically. When I lived there everyone was dead, and everything was covered in water. 

TG: oh yeah didnt the biblical flood happen or some shit to you all 

TG: talk about ruining your summer 

TT: Yeah. 

CG: SEE? IT'S GOING SWELL. YOU TWO CAN BOND OVER TEXAS, AND THINGS THAT ARE INDIGENOUS TO TEXAS. 

TG: dude were gonna exhaust that conversation pretty damn quickly 

TG: like for example dirk do you like moobeasts 

TT: I think that means cows. They're pretty alright. 

TG: so on a scale of one to ten how crushing is your disappointment on having to claim me as a relative 

CG: DAVE FOR FUCKS SAKE. 

CG: HOW ABOUT WE LEAVE THE RAMPANT SELF SHAMING FOR A LITTLE BIT IN THE FUTURE? IT ISN'T LIKE MEMOS HAVE TO END AT A CERTAIN TIME. AND I'M SURE YOU BOTH HAVE LOTS OF THINGS TO BLAME THE OTHER FOR. DON'T FUCKING SCARE HIM OFF BEFORE YOUR CONVERSATION'S EVEN BEGUN. 

TT: Once again ambiguously tentacle-dicked brings reason to the conversation. 

TG: yeah what would we do without his tentacles wisdom 

CG: PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MY GENITALS. 

CG: HEY, HOW ABOUT YOU TWO DO HUMAN SIBLING THINGS. ANIME? WHY DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT ANIME, WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS. 

TG: no no karkat dont you remember that one thing i showed you that one night with the ice cream and like they all had big eyes and it freaked you out 

CG: 

CG: HOLY SHIT THAT'S WHAT HE *LIKES*? 

TG: lol yeah 

TG: uhhh texan culture 

TG: do you like the bible 

TT: I'm pretty sure you can't just like a holy text. 

TG: thats pretty closeminded dont you think 

TG: so you and johns like twin brother dad grandpa boned right 

CG: FUCKING SHUT UP!!! THIS *ISN'T* WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT!!! 

TT: Is Jake technically related to John? It's complicated. Also, that's a really fucking weird and awkward question to ask, tentacle-dick is right. 

TG: i mean i guess im just morbidly curious like haha how did you two fuck that one up 

CG: ALRIGHT KIDS. STRAP YOURSELVES IN. WE'RE HEADING DOWN THE SHAME COASTER, AND THE PROVERBIAL SEATBELTS ARE OUR OWN RESTRAINING FEELINGS OF GUILT, REMORSE, YOU KNOW. OVERWHELMING REGRET. WATCH AS WE GO OVER THE *PAINFUL MEMORIES* ALTITUDE HILL, SLAM DOWN *FUCK I HATE MYSELF* PASS, AND SPIN AROUND THE LOOP OF *ABSOLUTE FUCKING DESPAIR*. TRULY THIS IS A RIDE YOU ALL WANTED TO FUCKING GET ON. 

TG: man this is making me miss human six flags


	3. Chapter 3

TG: ok but seriously can we stop talking about fucking texas 

TT: It isn't exactly a conversational topic that would help us...bond, or whatever the goal of this is. 

CG: I DON'T CARE. COME UP WITH SOMETHING TO DISCUSS THAT YOU BOTH ARE WELL-VERSED ON OR YOU WILL TALK ABOUT TEXAS. 

CG: OR HUMAN SIX FLAGS. WHATEVER THAT IS. 

TG: it had slides and fountains and rides and shit 

TG: water 

TG: food 

TG: it was great but we cant talk about that because dirk didnt have that around 

TG: the whole earth was his water ride 

TT: I get it. The earth was flooded. 

CG: LET'S NOT DO THIS. YOU LITERALLY HAVE NO SHARED INTERESTS? 

TG: well i mean technically anime but i think we have different tastes in anime 

TG: well i dont think i know 

TT: You don't really know that yet. Instead of dancing around asking questions you could actually ask one. I'm fine with answering questions about my impeccable taste in media besides. 

TG: whats your favorite anime 

TT: Cory in the House. 

CG: SEE? THIS IS GOING WELL. YOU'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT EACH OTHER. KEEP GOING. 

TT: That we are. This is going well. Dave, what's your favorite anime? 

TT: Dave? Not going to engage yourself in this conversation? 

TG: 

TG: how about we pick a -different topic- jesus christ 

TG: uh whos your best friend 

TT: Probably Roxy. 

TG: lol do you even have any friends besides roxy 

TT: I dunno. Do you have any friends besides the guy you're fucking? Does he even count as a friend if it's romantic? That's a little pathetic. 

CG: I REFUSE TO AUSPISTICIZE FOR YOU TWO MORONS. I REFUSE IT. I WILL RIP OFF MY HORN NUBS, SHOVE THEM IN MY AURAL SPONGES, AND HEADBUTT BOTH OF YOU UNTIL I DIE IF YOU TWO FORCE ME INTO THIS POSITION. STOP. STOP. STOP. 

TG: calm your shit karkat you arent going to have to 

TT: Auspisticize? 

TG: its this romantic quadrant when someones being a dick and another persons being a fucking asshole so some unlucky fuck has to separate them physically and remind them of why trying to kill each other isnt socially acceptable 

TT: Why is it such a big deal if he has to auspisticize for us? Why is there even a -word- for that in troll culture? If that's the definition, I've auspi...sticized? Dozens of times. 

TG: because literally everything has romantic connotations in troll culture and its a weird thing look youre too young and fucking stupid to understand maybe ill tell you another day 

CG: IGNORE THE PETTY QUABBLING OPPORTUNITY AND FUCKING TALK TO EACH OTHER. GO. SHOO. TALK ABOUT YOUR HUMAN FAMILIAL UNITS OR SOMETHING. 

TT: Roxy and Rose? They're fine. Dave so far seems to be the only annoying relative from the Strider-Lalonde clan. 

TG: youre only saying that because the way i talk sparks up your own crippling self hatred therefore you have to take it out on me 

TT: I like myself just fine, unlike you. You're a mass of self-esteem issues with some stupid sunglasses. 

TG: triangles are shitty so fuck you 

CURRENT ectoBiologist [EB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. 

EB: are you guys alright? 

CG: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU IN THIS MEMO??? I MADE IT PRIVATE. 

EB: are you sure? 

CG: YES. 

EB: yeah...but...have you considered the counter-argument..."no you didn't"? 

EB: haha. 

TG: john that made no fucking sense at all why are you laughing that wasnt even a joke 

CG: DID YOU GET ONLINE SO YOU COULD ANNOY OTHER PEOPLE INSTEAD OF ADDRESSING YOUR ROMANTIC QUANDARY INVOLVING TEREZI? 

EB: no!!! because a romantic quandary does not exist between us. we are just happy friends, who avoid each other often. 

TT: Is Terezi the one with the red glasses? 

TG: yes 

CG: YES. 

EB: yes. 

TT: Right. She always smiles at you and you fuck off immediately. John, I mean. 

EB: i don't avoid her!!! you are all so FULL OF SHIT. whatever. i just came in here to warn you guys. 

CG: ABOUT? 

EB: terezi is on dinner duty tonight. 

TG: fuck 

TT: I usually avoid dining with the peanut gallery. Which is to say that I never do. What's the big deal? 

TT: Is this because she's blind? 

CG: TEREZI MAKES FUCKING AWFUL FOOD, AND SHE ALSO HARASSES EVERYONE AT DINNER. SHE THINKS SINCE SHE'S THE COOK SHE'S IN CHARGE OF EVERYONE AT DINNERTIME. 

TG: ugh this means im eating doritos tonight and some warm soda in my room 

TG: but i guess thats better than eating what terezi makes 

EB: tuna and ketchup. why would anyone do that? 

TT: You're all fucking disgusting, Jesus. 


	4. Dinner, pt 1

\---  
  
"So you're going to go to dinner?"

Dave Strider pauses in front of his room door, which is sci-fi in the worst way ever, a dull, dented metal composition with a silver handle haphazardly sticking out of its side, and frowns at the guy across from him. Damn it. He'd just wanted to run to the bathroom- or, as the Mayor called it, 'porcelain room', which he thought was a pretty fuckin' nice way to say the room with all of the shitters in it- and he'd been accosted immediately outside of his room. He had his laptop still open back in the bedroom, a track opened up, he'd been  _so close to finishing this damn song-_

Karkat Vantas, meanwhile, crosses his arms back at Dave Strider, red eyes slitting as if to say "come at me, fucko". He raises an eyebrow, waiting for his question to be answered.

"Uh, I wasn't planning on it, man. Terezi's cuisine ain't exactly delicious, or really edible at all most of the time. Shit's an illegal edifice erected on a single plate, an eiffel tower of hurl-inducing food, a monument to the human stomach's steely streng-"

Karkat's eyes roll so hard that they might actually fall out of his head. He tugs at his black shirt, which has a few suspicious green stains on it- fuck, had he been in the kitchen with Terezi? It looks like he's got food all over the shirt, in fact, some grainy orange on the left sleeve, a smear of brown on the right sleeve. _  
_

As Geromy had said in one of Dave's most recent SBAHJ comics, _sHiYEET._ This was bad news. Terezi and Karkat alone were hard enough to deal with- Terezi was intelligent, judicial in all things, efficient, and this was bad news for Dave, who was used to wriggling out of hard situations with diatribes about muppet cock. Karkat was just  _Karkat_ , who combated Dave's dictionary-like command of slang words with his own knowledge of curses, and beyond that shallow feature affected Dave in a thousand other ways.

Together, they were a force not to be reckoned with, but rather quietly tiptoed around, and then spoken about behind closed doors in irritated terms. Staunch avoidance was the tact to take with those two. Mostly when they were together they just raised hell for Dave- Dave didn't need another troll offering their introspective take on his sexuality, romantic inclinations, emotional fortitude or lack thereof, and, as of late, burgeoning familial relationships. Terezi and Karkat failed to accept this, and the last time they'd been alone, the day afterward Dave had been dragged into a room with plushies hanging from nooses and read off a list of-

"Are you even paying attention to me, fuckwad?" 

Oh. Karkat's brows have quickly gained sentience, formed a space program and shot off into orbit, arcing into high, angry curves on his forehead. They're twitching angrily, too. Dave swallows.

"Y... _eah_ ," Dave agrees, blankly, rubbing his blonde hair and then withdrawing his hand. God, his hair is greasy. He needs to wash it- he's been avoiding going to the bathroom for exactly this reason, being accosted by someone who wants to help him out or talk him through his problems or force him to eat ketchup-covered fish.

"Yeah -what-?" Karkat's getting more pissed off, his gray hands already balled into shaking fists. Dave blinks behind his shades. Fuck, dude, wake up and focus on the conversation- he's so out of it.

"Yeah, I'll head down there and eat whatever ungodly abomination Terezi's cooked up. If she even bothered actually cooking tonight. Sometimes she just combines the contents of boxes and pours water over it."

Karkat's nose scrunches up. "The memo's just on pause, Dave. Even if you don't march your ass down to the nutrition block and actually feed your cawbeast-looking self, you're going to be talking to Dirk again."

"Cawbeast? Baby, I'm a dove, serene and sleek, flying over these crowds all delicate and shit. Classy." Dave leans against the metal wall behind him and gives Karkat a smile.

"Cawbeast is the  _general term for -all- cawbeasts,_ dumbass!" Karkat's index finger jabs at Dave, those red eyes squinting in anger. "Stop fucking playing semantics with me about the names for your fucking birds, cawbeasts, whatever! I don't care if you're a goddamned pigeon and you're going to fly over all of the people in the nutrition block, systematically shitting on them. You're eating dinner downstairs tonight!"

With that, Karkat yanks his hand back towards himself and shoots Dave a final, severely pissed off look. "I'm going to go help her finish her 'illegal edifice' of food. If you aren't down there for dinner-"

"Calm your shit, Karkat. If you want me to go, I'll go. We'll pull a fuckin' Brady Bunch, nice family dinner of, uh-"

Dave pauses when he realizes Karkat's already walking off, and gives a quiet, exhausted sigh at himself. He's not looking forward to this.

\-----

"What is she doing?" Dirk asks, nudging his head to Terezi, who's stooped over the oven, a red-hot range beneath a pot of some sort of green thing.  
  
The dark-haired boy beside him- John, he remembers- gives a smile and pushes up his glasses. "She's ...uh...making mashed peas," he explains, shrugging slightly. 

Dirk squints.

"That's  _right,"_ Terezi says gleefully, dumping in a handful of pepper. Now it's a pot of mushed peas with _pepper_ all over it. Dirk makes a pained noise, internally. "John told me all about one of his favorite Earth side dishes. It was called... _mashed pot-holders._ "

"Mashed potatoes, Terezi," John supplies, his smile fading at her voice. "And I told you that wasn't going to work, this is a completely different vegetable!!! It's going to taste bad, and nobody's going to eat dinner, again." _  
_

Terezi sniffs derisively at that piece of advice, stirring the mush with a long, wooden spoon. She seems to move her entire body with the stirring motions, gray hands wrapping tightly around the spoon, bare feet swaying left and right. A happy tune begins to whistle from her black-stained mouth, only to stop when Terezi opens her mouth to speak. "Don't be silly, John. Everyone will eat this. It smells delicious." She punctuates her sentence with another sniff, and makes a happy noise. "It smells like the undersides of respite block beds, and limes." _  
_

John makes a miserable noise, deep in his throat. "Terezi, just dump it out, no one is going to eat it. I can make something el-"

"The prosecution is dismayed and unimpressed with the defendant's suggestion, and it is immediately discarded!" Terezi flicks the spoon at John, splattering pea mush on his shirt.

"This isn't a  _trial!_ What is the prosecution even prosecuting? What is the defending  _defending?_ " John seems actually irritated, voice exasperated, glaring at Terezi, hands up as if he's about to start gesticulating wildly.

Dirk awkwardly shifts against the counter. He focuses his shaded gaze on his sandals, which are decorated with little cherries. They're awful, in a good way.

"The prosecution accuses John Egbert of being a poor cook and an undignified loser!" Terezi's sharp-fanged grin punctuates her words.

"My defense is you're an  _awful_ cook and this smells like  _dog_ shit-"

Terezi's already formed a retort as Dirk hears footsteps. In an instant, Dave is standing there, giving a lazy grin and reclining against the fridge. The already cramped kitchen is even more cramped, now, Dave against the fridge, Terezi by the oven, John between them. Dirk's at least near the exit, which he's grateful for- he's going to want to fuck off, soon, he can feel it.

"The lovebirds are making a hell of a chirping noise," Dirk says blandly towards Dave's direction. Terezi and John pause and glance over at Dirk, Terezi grinning wider and John looking ridiculously offended. "I wouldn't usually mind, but I  _really_ would like to get my dinner and get out. Is it done or not?"

"Hmmm. I think it needs a few more mi-" _  
_

"Terezi, it's gonna fucking be a _burnt_ block of pea mush! It's bad enough! Take it out of the pot!" John's got his fingers twined in his hair, looking like he's about to pull it out. Terezi's laughing even harder, the shades on her face shaking on her nose with her chortling.

\----

Rose walks across the tiles of their new home, passing the metallic walls and spaceship-esque doors with Kanaya. Their steps are fluid, and they match one another in pace, each tap on the tile floor twinned by its companion, their hands interlocked, gray on pale peach. In Rose's free hand swings a bag of chips.

"It is my contribution to the dinner tonight," Rose explains, looking over to Kanaya. "I imagine whatever Terezi's concocted will be a little bit short of edible."

Kanaya gives a little smile back. 

\----

Jane makes a confused noise in the back of her throat, looking at the desk she'd put her carefully-made cake. To her dismay, the carefully made cake was no longer there. Rather, there were long, wide streaks of chocolate left on the desk, a little eight-eyed smiley in chocolate- the signature of the perpetrator, Jane gathered- smeared out at the bottom. Using words like  _perpetrator_ made Jane feel just a bit better about losing that cake (chocolate with buttercream icing- she'll mourn its loss later), but as the girl sighs and runs a hand through her thick, dark hair, she's well aware of the fact that it isn't a great mystery to solve. It's a cake that's been either eaten or just smashed for no reason (and, she supposes, tossed somewhere after- the majority of the cake is gone), the criminal being Vriska. 

Jane sighs down at the signature again, for good measure, and turns away, putting her hands on her hips as she heads to the open door of her 'respiteblock' and peers out into the empty hallway. There goes her dinner plans.

\----

 


End file.
